The Death of a Relationship
More than half of Leslyn’s clients are couples and she has learned a lot about what kinds of things that can be cancerous in marriages. Some of them grow fast and kill quickly, while others can be slow burners showing up years after the damage began. In today’s episode, Leslie and Leslyn describe some of these issues that can impact relationships so that you can decide for yourself if your relationship may need help.
In this episode, we discuss…
Show Intro [0:01]
Introductions—Relationship Challenges [0:12]
Start of the Podcast [0:48]
There Are Challenges in Every Relationship [4:16]
Fidelity in Relationships [5:56]
Bickering [12:00]
Criticisms [16:45]
Name-Calling [21:01]
Inattention and Roommates [24:46]
Absence in Physicality [35:21]
Threats to Leave [37:39]
Assumptions [40:27]
Closing Thoughts [44:32]
Try This at Home [45:46]
Next Week [46:06]
Outro [46:34]
Episode Notes:
This is a topic that has been on Leslie and Leslyn’s list since starting the podcast. If you’re in a relationship whether it be only a few months or many, many years, there are challenges to being in a relationship.
They start off the episode discussing the relationship issues surrounding fidelity. Leslyn shares that a huge percentage of people who deal with fidelity never even reach counseling for these issues. Those that do, Leslyn starts off the couple’s therapy by stating that if the couple is invested in saving the marriage and they do the work there is a 50% change that they can make that happen. It’s important to note that affairs do not happen in healthy relationship as the relationship is typically not vulnerable to someone outside of marriage if it is healthy. Leslyn continues by stating if we want to take care of something and keep it, it requires maintenance. We maintain our homes, cars, lawn, furnace, and even our own health. Why not a relationship? Everything that we want to keep requires maintenance and relationships should not be different.
Bickering is another challenge that can face couples in a relationship. It’s important to understand what connotation bickering may hold for you. Bickering is unhealthy when it includes backstabbing or degrading comments about one another. Leslyn shares a story about a couple who fights all the time. For the husband, he picked up the pattern by watching is parents and saw it as a normal part of the relationship. While the wife had never seen her parents bicker or have a disagreement. You must find a middle ground that is comfortable for both sides.
Criticism can often be more subtle downplays than seen in bickering. Criticism over time all by itself can be caner to a relationship, it breaks down the ego and esteem of the person who is being criticized. Leslyn states that no one want to be around you if they will feel less than when they are with you. This can bleed into the next point, name-calling. This can be called contempt and Leslyn believes it is the single most destructive thing that can happen in a relationship. Calling your significant other degrading and inappropriate things can break them down. When we allow ourselves to be treated this way or be disrespected, or if we are the one disrespecting a person who deserves human compassion, we can never start on the right foot. When you are mad if you feel that you must use that language, you can write it down and throw it out but do not speak it to the person that you just said I love you to.
Another incredibly destructive thing to relationships is inattention. It often will be seen by one partner as something they were not aware of, which is probably part of the problem that is rising. If you are not paying attention, your partner can feel that. Checking in and making a connection with your loved one is crucial and can prevent things from turning into more of a roommate situation. Roommates will be good co-parents but do not make any time for each other. They are platonically connected but there is no romantic engagement occurring anymore. Absence in physicality can cause issues in a relationship. Without physical connection, problems ensue. Physicality of some kind is important in keeping passion and suggestion more alive in the relationship.
Threats to leave is when the idea of plan B comes into play. How can someone feel safe and secure if their partner is threatening to leave or the person feels like they are being pushed away. Threats to leave are not usually coming from a place that the person could not survive without their partner but instead it is used as a control tactic or because fear of not getting what we want so we push people away. Usually the thing that we want is love.
The last point, Leslyn shares is something that she would change in the world if she could and that is assumptions. When we make assumptions, we are anticipating a reaction based on an assumption that we have. Assumptions prevent you from living fully and make room for misinterpretations and mistakes. It is important to say that you can make assumptions if you have double checked and validated the assumption. Unvalidated assumptions are routed in discourse and leave the door open for disappointment.
Today’s Try This at Home is to make sure that you cover this list with yourself and note if there are any pieces that need maintenance in your relationship. Check in with you partner and seek counseling if necessary.
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Next Week’s Episode: How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage
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